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Comedy Blog

David Huntsberger – Racist haircut

David Huntsberger performed at Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, Last Comic Standing, and The Bridgetown Comedy Festival.

Louis CK – Job and 20 year olds

http://youtu.be/0JW1tJLRtsk

You should do your job, because it's your job, because you are that person doing that thing, so just do it

it drives me crazy when someone has a job that they don't like so they do it shity, what kind of a response is that? if you do it shity isn't that worse for you?

I travel a lot so I need help all the time, I rent one car, but I want another one, I'm crazy, so I go to the counter and "can I have another one?" and sometimes I have a person who goes "sigh, why?" "because I'm a dick, give it to me", "what's wrong with it?", "because I'm crazy, that what's wrong with it", you are wearing vest that matches the building, just do the thing that is the point of that place

Why? You know what, because you are a 20, because you are 20 year old little cunt and you have no idea how the world works, because you think you deserve better, you think you are too interesting person to have a shity job

Every 20 year old behind a counter gives me this look "this job sucks", yeah! that is why we gave it to you

Because you are 20. That is a mathematical guaranty that you have no skills, and nothing to offer anybody in the world, for two decades you have been taking and sucking up education and love and food and ipods, sucking up and judging "that one is good and that one not really", you've just being selecting and absorbing shit that you didn't fucking earn.

For two decades! Three Presidents! That is how long you've being a burden. You are like an orange on a tree, and the tree goes "get that thing off me, its crazy" "I don't want to go, I want to stay"

If you are 20, I guaranty you haven't done anything for anybody, ever. Yes you went on a school trip to Guatemala and they told you, you helped, but you totally did not help. The guy goes “I got a mud slide down my house, and now I have to baby sit that college kid, why do I have to do this”. Just take her picture with a shove so she could go back home and put it on her facebook.

Louis CK about George Carlin

I was looking up Louis CK stuff because I like his jokes and his act and google refferences this "related" video that I want to share.

I never knew how Louis CK became a comic and who inspired him to become one, and it turns out that George Carlin was that man, he spoke from his heart and he lived his life strong and he continues effecting our minds and hearts. 

Louie CK show – Deleted scene – Grocery store

Its a deleted scene from TV series Louie where Louis CK is playing roll of a father who is trying to teach his two daughters a lesson of apology, even if you think you have done nothing wrong you should still say you are sorry. So when a lady in a grosery store bumps his daughter his kids expected to hear the same "I am sorry" from her as thier father did from them a minute ago. See how it escalated.

I am sorry they deleted this scene.

Doug Stanhope – Secret to happiness – excess in moderation

http://youtu.be/CNtPdY1CUe8

Key to a good life – excess in moderation

they will tell you moderation is a key to life, but that is bullshit
excess in moderation
don’t drink few beers after work,
wait till the end of the week and drink all the beers at once!
get completely slouched
got get a 20 dollar hooker on a wimp,
save up and than get a 15 hundred dollar high class call girl on New Years eve and wake up with a damn good story.
don’t eat a stem of a mushroom and see a few colors,
Eat the whole bag and see god
just don’t do it everyday
if you practice the moderation you’ll never get the full effect

and don’t ever learn from other people’s mistakes, that’s the worst advise you can get
because other people might have fucked it up, and you could be the guy who can do it right and be a hero for all of us

and finally, fuck someone uglier than you every now and than
even if they don’t deserve it, that makes people happy
and it stays with you for a lifetime

Bill Burr – How Women Argue

Bill Burr – How Women Argue

This is how women argue, as far as I can tell. If they are right, they argue the point and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point, until you are down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness. Alright, no problem with that, totally respect it But here is the thing, if they are wrong – the go rogue, they go off road
They start thinking sh*t you are sensitive about, maybe you didn’t get along with you dad and in their head they start concocting this evil statement totally designed this desperate hale merry attempt to make you so f_cking made you just call them a c_nt!
That’s what it is. C*nt trumps all this bullsh*t that their did to start the argument. Now its not about that, now its about “there is no reason to call me a c*nt” and that’s it,you are in this room now. My girl knows my big thing, my biggest fear is to be that dude that grows old, alone, that has that basement apartment just screaming at that younger couple upstairs “turn it down that music”, so I noticed that every time she is losing a fight out of nowhere she’d just “that’s why you would just grow old and be alone” and I would lose my sh_t.
Next thing i know I am washing dishes for the ninth f_cking time in a row this is what the argument was about, i was so right, what happened? So if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight just know this, next time you in a battle with the beautiful woman, your wife, girlfriend, whatever and they start out of nowhere, ok,you winning and they start crazy sh*t out of nowhere just know at that moment, you’ve won the fight, okay alright, don’t get mad, bob and wive, slip all of that sh*t “maybe cause you have a little d*ck” let all of that sh*t slide, stay in the pocket of the argument it’s over, the argument is over, you’ve won the fight. Just take a knee and run out the clock, alright yes, lean on the robes let them punch themselves out and in the end you throw their physiology back at them “well maybe we should discuss it later when you come down”. They won’t hook up with you for a couple of day, who cares you rub one out. Rub one out like a man, its champagne of victory.

Bill Burr Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bill Burr – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold loves challenges:
I will become super famous lifting wights
I will become an actor! even though nobody understands me BAM!
I think I will merry a Kennedy BAM! He does it.
I will become Governor of a state I can’t pronounce BAM!
Arny was in the zone for 4 decades. Four Decades nothing but net. How many lifetimes would you need to accomplish all that.